F is for Failure, And Falling, And, Well, You Know

So I know that sometimes I seem like this exotic jet setter, with the mind of Anderson Cooper and the calves of Tyra Banks (young, hot Trya Banks like in that weird Disney movie she did with Lindsay Lohan). But, believe it or not, I too have my less-than-perfect moments — not THAT much less than perfect, but still.

In fact, I am not even halfway through this week and I already feel like I should have to wear a scarlet letter “F” for the rest of it – standing for “FAIL” (get your minds out of the gutter!).

Here are some of my fail moments from the last couple of days. Enjoy, and imagine the laugh soundtrack to “America’s Funniest Home Videos” in the background:

There Are No Words…Only Shame. Last night I was coming back from tutoring when the bus came to my stop. Apparently, when you get off the buses here, you have to push a button in order to get the doors to open….news to me. Of course, I was the only person getting off at my stop, and so began a confusing back-and-forth shouting with the bus driver, accompanied by me going from the doors in the back to the ones in the front in sheer confusion, and his shaking of the head and eye rolling. Per French style, all of the other people in the bus simply just watched all of this happening and did nothing to help, I’m sure wondering why this homeless-looking American girl (I had to wake up early that day) couldn’t get her shit together enough to figure out how to open a bus door. Finally, I got out of that terrible vehicle and was just breathing in the fresh taste of freedom when I tripped on some concrete thing, and completely face planted. My backpack was so heavy too that I experienced how girls must have felt on bottom having sex with Biggie Smalls (RIP). The bus drove away as I managed to pick myself up, with the new weight of shame added on.

How Am I Supposed to Know What Kind of Cereal Ashton Kutcher Had For Breakfast?! If it was possible for a building to be the devil, my dorm building would be it. It is the worst, the culmination of shitty things being that we now have absolutely no Internet connection. Yeah, maybe I sound like a spoiled brat, but keep in mind that all of my classes are in a different language. So basically, if I need to look up a word or phrase or Google reasons why I decided to take all my classes in French in the first place, I am out of luck. I probably would be madder about the situation, but there is a McDonald’s with free wi-fi about 3 minutes away from my residence and they serve beer so…..

How Do You Say “I Wasn’t Aware We Had A Test, Sir” In French? Guess what? I have midterms this week! Guess who has two thumbs and didn’t know that? This girl! (Sorry, I actually hate when people make that joke). But for realz, I guess they are actually next Monday and Friday. Apparently I am not competent enough to read dates though (hint – they’re pretty much the same in French), so I spent last night stressing out and staying up in order to prepare for a test that is actually a week and a half away. Plus I borrowed notes from a French guy who is as nice as can be but whose handwriting looks like he was writing drunk and without hands. Oh, and there are all these weird French abbreviations of which I have no clue – like, for example, a little circle is an abbreviation for “tion” because THAT makes complete sense. My only salvation for these tests is going to be the fact that I am an exchange student, and so professors consequently think I am mentally challenged and take pity on me….yay!

One awesome thing from last night to end this post on a good note: who knew that Robin Sparkles’ “Let’s Go to The Mall” is a song you can do on Just Dance and why did I have to be informed by tiny French children? My language skills were not adequate enough to explain how completely awesome this is. Then again, I’m not sure I could do it in English either. Oh, and I killed it when it was my turn to dance, just in case anyone was wondering.

Hopefully now you guys can all see that I am not this super-human that you have all been making me out to be. Here’s to hoping the rest of my week isn’t such a fail! Bisous!

This picture has absolutely nothing to do with the post, but I felt it my duty to inform the public that this was a legitimate float in the Lille parade I went to this past weekend. I would feel bad about putting it in this blog, but since the French people thought it appropriate for an event with many children in attendance, I think it’s fine. When public celebrations and sex ed combine!

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