Let me start off this post by saying that if you don’t at least mentally chuckle every time you hear the word “heinous”, we would probably almost definitely not get along. Alright, now that I’ve offended at least 4 of you, on to the important stuff.
So, I have studied French for close to eight years now.* In all sincerity, I have loved learning a language and wouldn’t trade it for anything. The weird thing about learning a language for so long though is that you tend to pick up tidbits of information or knowledge that you would never have any foreseeable reason or need to know. It’s kind of like when you go through high school and they make you take science classes. In the instance of my French language skills, I now know how to say the opening to Law and Order: Special Victims Unit.**
Now, normally I would say such knowledge is the perfect party crowd-pleaser, but I think there’s some unwritten rule that you have to reserve any reference to “sexual-based offenses” until after-after-parties, and, frankly, I’m not cool enough to get invited to those (screw you R. Kelly). So I’ve come up with some potential situations during my study abroad trip in which I might actually NEED to know this.
Oh, and before you start wondering what kind of cracked-up schools I’ve been going to that teach the opening sequence of a show that frequently uses the phrase “anal tearing”, I should probably explain. I actually just learned it because a while back I started to watch my favorite television shows with French subtitles. So don’t worry, my teachers aren’t creepy, I am. Anyways, here we go:
1. Swept up with Channing Tatum fever, pre-eminent theater producers in France decide to do an outside, stage re-make of “Magic Mike” in a sixteenth-century Global Theater-like production. I am walking by through the town square in my custom Shakespearean garb when they approach me to serve as the play’s narrator, beginning with, of course the opening to Law and Order SVU. They ask me if I can give my French a cockneyed British accent, to which I oblige.
2. A few weeks into my trip, I meet a French baron (not 100% sure these still exist, but just go with it) who immediately falls in love with me and my penchant for eating cheese at all hours of the day. Although he has commitment issues and is not sure if he is ready to open himself up to love again after his ex-girlfriend cheated on him with a guy she met on MySpace, I am able to convince him to take me home to meet his parents. Being a French baron family, they live in a castle with a drawbridge and, being a creepy French baron family, every person must recite the opening to Law and Order SVU before being allowed to enter.
3. I run into Ice-T and/or Coco and/or their beloved bulldog Spartacus at any point during my trip.
Judging all of these possibilities, I would say that there is only about a 19% chance of having to use this wonderful parcel of knowledge. I can only hope that there is no point during my study abroad at which I will have to hear these words being recited TO me.
*I am contractually obligated to backdoor brag in this blog at least once a week.
**For those of you who have been living under a rock, it is: “In the criminal justice system, sexually-based offenses are considered especially heinous. The detectives who investigate these crimes are members of an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories.”